Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
