so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
