In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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