I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
