Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
