just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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