Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
