Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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