I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
