I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
