god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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