Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
