last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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