I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
