I'm jealous of your bromance
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize