You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
