I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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