FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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