On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
