Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
