i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
