3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
