She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
