I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
