I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
