Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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