I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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