can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
