My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
