I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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