I feel great
I just peed on a car
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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