thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
