Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
