could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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