I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
