does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Randomize
