I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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