i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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