you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
