dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
