just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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