who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
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