I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
