You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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