How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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