It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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