last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
