we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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