I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
