just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
