I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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