I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize