toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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