Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
