Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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