So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
