I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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