Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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