Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
