Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
